Alcohol Way Safer Than Tobacco, Say Lobbyists

By Albert Beasley

Alcohol industry lobbyists testified before Congress yesterday, denouncing proposed legislation to limit commercial advertising of alcoholic beverages.

Despite CDC statistics showing that alcohol kills 88,000 people annually, the alcohol industry has persevered to brand alcohol as a harmless social drink.

"The television commercials are actually quite accurate and informative," said industry spokesman Kip Molnar, "When the alcohol starts flowing, you almost magically draw super fun parties and attractive people."

Alcohol, though a proven carcinogenic neurotoxin, lags behind tobacco as the leading preventable killer in the United States. While the FCC has banned most tobacco advertising, the alcohol industry has happily avoided such advertising restrictions.

"We are working hard to catch up with the tobacco industry's market share among carcinogens," industry lobbyist Jennifer Taulbee testified, "We can only hope to lure as much of the population as tobacco has. We've got our work cut out for us."

Taulbee also added, "And please drink responsibly."

Study Shows Tailgating Ineffective

By Albert Beasley

The Ohio Department of Transportation (ODOT) released a study yesterday showing that drivers who tailgate other drivers are not effective in reaching their destinations any sooner.  

The controversial report revealed that tailgating has increased steadily over the past 15 years, since tailgating statistics were first kept.  Furthermore the study found also that the drivers being tailgated often reacted counterintuitively by slowing down even more.  

One member of the ODOT research team, who asked not to be identified, was quoted as saying, "I can't believe we're spending tax-payer money on this."

Not all attending yesterday's news conference were in agreement, however, as local resident Jeffrey Wertz explained, "All this talk about tailgating causing more wrecks and more road-rage incidents and stress and stuff, they're ignoring the fact that some people are just more important than others and they don't have time to be stuck behind some slow-poke moron. It's just more government propaganda, if you ask me."

Asked why tailgating is so prevalent, given the many drawbacks, ODOT spokesman Robert Sanderson speculated, "Civility in this country is going down the toilet, and this is just one of many indications of that."

Quantum Physicists Discover That Nothing Is Real

By Albert Beasley  

Quantum physicists at University of California Berkeley held a press conference this morning to announce the new discovery sweeping the world of modern physics. "As it turns out, in fact, nothing is real," concluded research team lead Charles Stephenson. "The Beatles' Strawberry Fields Forever song was correct all along," said Stephenson, "Nothing is real, and nothing to get hung about. The mathematics of it are undeniable."

After the brief statement, the gathering of physicists disbanded and abruptly ended the press conference.

Ohio House Cat Diagnosed With Manic Depression

By Albert Beasley  

Ohio University animal psychologist Dr. Sidney Wertheimer published a new study in the Journal of Animal Behaviour describing a surprising increase in mental disorders among American house cats.

One case study of an Ohio house cat, 'Bootsie', exemplified the alarming trend, when Dr. Wertheimer diagnosed Bootsie with manic depression, also known as bipolar disorder.

Bootsie's owner, who asked not to be identified, said he was not surprised by the diagnosis. "She sleeps in late most days, and stares out the window sadly for hours, but then the next minute she'll be going berserk playing with a bottle cap, and goes racing up and down the stairs," said Bootsie's owner. "I'm worried."